[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
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I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Dead sexy!!
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.