The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
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I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.