SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
There are usually two types of merchants.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.