*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
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ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can鈥檛. I鈥檝e had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
forgive me baja for i have blast
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
馃敠馃寵馃懀
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 馃檹
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.