My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
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Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
the icebreaker
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.