I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
You Might Also Like
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Feels like the fourth month in January
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.