[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
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I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”