[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Worth remembering.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better