Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
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Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise