Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
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My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.