Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
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Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Bruh PLEASE
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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