A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
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people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
This was the best day of my life
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
*seductively corrects your posture*
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition