I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.