Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
quarantine day 3