Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
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I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
How do you milk an almond?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.