I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
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Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.