Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
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i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
How animals would run if they were human
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
what could possibly go wrong?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”