How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
You Might Also Like
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Breaking news:
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.