Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Krampus.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.