[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 馃檨
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This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
It鈥檚 so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I鈥檝e started dating myself exclusively but it鈥檚 not working out
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don鈥檛 use the metric system like the rest of the world! 馃槀馃槀
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
A cat burglar, but it鈥檚 just me putting stray cats in people鈥檚 houses when they leave
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
It鈥檚 finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I鈥檓 not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn鈥檛 make spiders that fly.