“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?