The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
You Might Also Like
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Every house has this drawer
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.