I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
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Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
umm…
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars