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Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary