what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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Respect
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
found my next D&D character name
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T