I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Sorry not sorry.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?