At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
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Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Pickled cat.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.