– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
You Might Also Like
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*