Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
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*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.