Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
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Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Does your wife know you’re single?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”