I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
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“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
There is wisdom there.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”