5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
no
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion