Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
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I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I only eat vegetarians.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Best misinterpreted text ever!
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.