I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
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Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid