can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
At least my masseuse has my back.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms