Dear Lord..
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My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I think we should hear other voices.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive