Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far