3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.