*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
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Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.