Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
You Might Also Like
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Need WebMD
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.