My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.