Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
real
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.