As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Boating season is upon us.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
mumsnet is amazing
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Thrilling chase underway
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Cause of death: Zumba
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.