Hero horse inspires millions
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[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.