When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner