Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
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What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”