If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
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Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?