Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
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I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
She puts the hot in psychotic
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Clients after you give them your rates
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.