Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.