Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Not all heroes wear capes.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
The human personality is made of five key elements
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
the clam before the storm
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.